Dear Lotus Bud,
Four years ago you came into my life. Yesterday marked the time that I went into labor and I couldn't stop thinking about that. Mostly I was thinking about the fact that when it came time for you to come out of my belly, I had to push you and I did. I groaned and pushed. I floundered around like a fish in between contractions, my legs giving into involuntary movements. My sharpest memory is that I was growling like a lioness as I gathered the strength in my muscles to push. I'm struck today by the irony that as I'm welcoming you into this world, I am pushing you out and away from me
|the first few minutes of your life|
Those years of warmth and snuggle are giving away to determination and opinion. All those opinions differ from my own and I can see ahead into a time when you will be pushing away from me. I hope that it is in healthy ways, I do! But already I see you forming my own habits and that scares me.
Every day I find that as you are changing, you are also changing me and that change is always for the better. A better me that provides the right amount of affection and love, something that was sorely lacking in my own childhood. You'd think that because of this lack I would be better at it simply because it is for you, my love. But as you well know, I don't always measure up, but you are patient and forgiving.
I see you forming your own relationships. I see you learning to write letters. I see you watching too much television. I see you running outside. Laying down in the snow. Cleaning the bathroom sink. Drawing silly portraits of daddy, your friends, your teachers. I see you being your own amazing self. A moment goes by and I think you've grown another inch. A moment goes by and I wonder if I can manage to remember everything, each and every moment.
Your life, your growth, your being is like a blur to me. It's all happening so very fast. Your hair is longer, your minder is sharper, your legs are longer, your hugs are tighter. You are quick and smart and strong.
You glitter and shine. You make life worth living. You make my world a better place. You make everything golden.
Your face still has that trusting look that you've had since the day you came out of my body. Instinctively you knew that despite the fact that I pushed you out and away, that I would try to hold you as close to me as possible until the day you say 'enough, enough, enough, moogy.' I hope that day is far from this one.
Thank you, my darling girl.
My love you will always have,
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