attitude of gratitude
In the middle of last week, I woke at 3:30 in the morning with an anxiety attack that lasted several hours. It was painful and heartbreaking. It's been a long while since I've felt such intense emotions. It caught me completely off guard: I was 10 days into a new mediation practice, our family has sustained gratitude practice for over an month and half now, my journaling and photography were feeling particularly satisfying, the region is on the cusp of a warmer season. I was sincerely puzzled by this troubling development in my life.
Today I feel especially thankful for the experience because it pushed me leaps and bounds towards self-discovery. The intense anxiety was short-lived and now I know much more about myself and my own healing.
I feel immense gratitude to friends of mine who sit daily for meditation practice who also told me that uncovering this anxiety is a way of addressing it in a healthy manner. I feel immense gratitude for Sandy of Anamchara Healing Arts who helped me realize those areas of my body that are blocked. She helped me work through it and gave me deep insight about the mothering I have to offer my daughter.
So moving on to all those things in this last week that helped me feel lighter and better, some are silly and so are extremely life-affirming:
I continue to be amazed by STILL blog. It is a daily photo challenge that is taken to legendary levels.
30 Things to Stop Doing for Yourself On the left side of one page of my journal I wrote down the ones that I had to work on. On the right side of the page I reformulated the statements as positive things I need to do for myself.
Just look at these beautiful yet heartbreaking photos of New Orleans!
I resumed knitting the 8,000 Feet Hoodie. I had to tink it all out and I ordered a couple more colors of yarn. I believe I have identified why I was struggling with this project.
Our family continues with gratitude practice at the beginning of dinner. I used to get frustrated that Dave would always and only state he feels grateful for our family and for the food we eat. My frustration was due the fact that I wanted everyone to say something particular about gratitude that happened during the day. Now I see the truth of his words. I feel gratitude for my family and all the nourishing food we eat.
This man saved Star Wars!
The Board where I volunteer had to make another monumental decision this week. We are in an era which brings about decisions that no other Board in the history of this particular Co-op has had to face; it makes my position as Board president exciting and very scary. The result of our decision came on the heels of this MPR broadcast yesterday that provided a healthy dose of affirmation.
I am reading Paladin of Souls by Lois McMaster Bujold (a Minneapolis writer) and one particular passage struck me as strong as an anxiety attack, but in a much better way. It hit right upon my fears about motherhood and soothed my distressed heart: "I think the gods may give us children to teach us what true love really is, that we may be fitted for Their [the gods] company at the last. A lesson for those of us whose hearts are too dull and inert to learn any other way."
Always when I feel a post like this is going to come out of me, I question my actions. I feel it breaks all the rules of blogging, but it is me being me and that's the only way I can be.
Thanks for all the vulnerability and goodness in this post. Sounds like you're on a difficult but healing road. I've had a crazy week trying to get ready for vacation, and I got all wound up and uptight about life and about getting things done. The gratitude post and photos helped me take a breath and calm down. Thank you!ReplyDelete
I always wonder if anyone reads this blog and then to find a lovely comment like this makes my heart soar. Thank you, Jenny!Delete
I'm glad you're feeling less anxious, and this post is a wonderful outcome! Thank you.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much for this affirmation, Deonne. I always love seeing your words here, my friend.Delete